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Vulnerability Hangover

Yesterday was one of my lowest days in a very long time. Maybe it was the hormones or the alignment between loving Venus and cold, hard Saturn. Maybe it was a combination of colliding thoughts, feelings and energies that just needed to be released.

I hadn’t felt that low or desperate since that day in the basement five years ago. As painful as that day was, I’m now able to look back at the wisdom that I gained from hitting rock bottom, it’s what brought me to where I am today.

Regardless, yesterday sucked beyond belief. I know that you can relate because we’re human and life is life.

Somehow in the middle of my emotional anguish, I felt compelled to write a blog about it. I decided to share the rawness of my emotion. If I’ve learned one thing on my journey, is that if I’m feeling a certain way then there’s bound to be a thousand others that have had similar thoughts and feelings. The problem is that we’re not openly sharing our thoughts and feelings, this leads to a feeling of isolation.

At one point in time, we lived in tribes, we were surrounded by the wisdom of our elders and the exuberance of the young. We were not alone because we were surrounded by the love and support of our community. While some cultures still have this with extended families living under one roof, here in North America, we’re isolated in our homes. We’ve forgotten how to share and we’re so immersed in our lives that we’re not tuned into the energies of others. We’re closed off, forgetting how to share and learn from one another.

Unlike five years ago, I found the courage to put my hand up and say, “I’m not ok” and I found comfort from my husband and those that responded to my blog posts. Yesterday, I broke the habit of saying “I’m fine” when in truth, I was far from it. Yesterday, I allowed myself to be vulnerable and was met with a soft place to land.

In many ways it was a relief to share but everything has a flip side. Today I woke up and instantly understood what Brené Brown meant when she shared that the morning after her TED Talk she had a “vulnerability hangover”. I was filled with OMG thoughts. Did I share too much? What will people think?

I know that I’m in a better frame of mind because my alter ego, Gunpowder (that’s a story in itself to be told another day), was quick to jump in and silence the itty-bitty-shitty-committee. “Fuck it”, she said, “anyone who doesn’t get it, doesn’t get it, so why let them run the show?”. If what I wrote provides comfort and chips away at the perfect image we try to project, then it worth it.

If we’re longing for a world that is different, where we share without fear of judgement and build a future steeped in community, connection and belonging, then we have to start embodying that now.

Mahatma Gandhi often said “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” And this is how I choose to live because I believe that we have to walk the walk and talk the talk before we see the change that we crave. This is how I choose to live or until I’m deemed to be bat-shit crazy and the men in white jackets come to take me away. Either way, it’s time that we start living with zero fucks and be authentically ourselves.

I attribute my outlook on life to the good habits that I have built, including journaling, which is something that I am passionate about. If you’re curious about starting a journaling practice, I invite you to grab a copy of my Empowered Midlife Mom Journal. It is the first, teeny tiny step you can take towards building a journaling practice. You’ll also be the first to learn about my journaling formula, something that I created when I hit rock bottom (yes, I’ve had days worse that this).

Journaling is like exercise, you’re told that it is important but if you’ve never really done it, then starting is both confusing and frustrating. This is one problem that I have a solution to, and I can’t wait to share it with you. You can also check out my podcast, The Roller Coaster, available on all the major platforms.

Until next time, I'm sending you my virtually distant hugs. You my friend, are not alone!

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